Since I met Mike, I've felt so blesses and loved. He truly is my other half and makes me so happy.

But, for the past year I've had this terrible fear that something is going to happen to him. That I won't ever be able to talk to him again, see him again, hold him again, kiss him again. At times, it's almost an irrational fear. Today I think that I got that fear put in perspective a little bit.

My pastor from high school has Stage 4 terminal Lung Cancer. He has been undergoing chemo and radiation treatments since May, but they know that the treatments are only prolonging the inevitable. His wife, Elizabeth, writes a blog to keep everyone up to date on how he's doing and what's going on. She also adds in a little devotional every day, and they are very touching.

The thing that was impressed upon me today, is that I am blessed. My pastor and his wife know that their time together is almost at an end. And they are completely depending on the Savior and they're taking it one day at a time, and loving and living life to the fullest.

Why am I so fearful? Yes, this scares me that something like this could happen to Mike and I some day. But I am SO blessed and Mike and I are just beginning our lives together. I need to focus on the here and now and love every single day that I have with him. He is a wonderful man and my best friend!

I've been reflecting a lot on how differently things have turned out for me than I originally thought. Almost everything has turned out differently than I had planned, but it's all for the better.

In High School I had visions of going to nursing school so that I could become an nurse and go the depths of Africa or some foreign country and help them. I'm been to Africa, but I never went to nursing school... I changed my major. I always thought that I had failied and just chickened out. But God had a different plan for me. I would have never in a million years thought that I would be working in Denver at The Denver Rescue as what would be the equivalent of an Administrative Assistant.

I'm so much less career minded than I ever thought I'd be. My focus was always on how well I did in school and what I was planning on doing with my life. I had so many friends and family memebrs tell me over and over again that I should be missionary, since I have a heart for the lost. I always, always, thought that I would be a missionary because this was impressed upon me at an early age. I sort of wanted to. I was waiting to act on it unitl I got a "call" from God. That call never came, and I admit, when I finally discovered that wasn't His chosen path for me, I was a bit relieved.

I've still been able to serve though. I was able to go to South Africa, and it changed my life. I will never forget my time there. But my desire to go back isn't there. Yes, I would LOVE to see all those people again and talk to little Paulina again now that she's growing up, and see their faces. But I don't have a pull or a nudge to ever do it again. Maybe God sent me on that trip to get the bug out of my system.

I am happier now that I ever thought I would be. I had given up on meeting someone, but I met someone. An amazing man who loves the Lord with all his heart and his main goal in life is to serve Him. He loves me so much and show me in a daily basis how much he loves me. I love him more than I thought it was possile to love another human being.

Yes my life has turned out differently that I ever expected. If when I was in high school and someone had told me this is how things would turn out, I may have been disapointed. But now that I'm here, I can't believe how happy I am and sometimes, I even feel like it's too good to be true and I'm going to wake up from this wonderful dream.

I have not been using this blog - obviously. I know that no one reads it so maybe it can be like a thought diary. :)

Anyway, today I was volunteering at a conference that the Mission was hosting and was invited to stay for lunch. The person speaking at the luncheon was my favorite pastor from Woodmen Valley Chapel in Colorado Springs, Matt Heard (it was really exciting that the lunch I was invited to stay for was the one that I was most interested in and excited about). He talked about life in ministry and how we can either be settlers or pioneers. We can either "settle" and stay where we are most comfortable, or we can go ahead, blazing new trails unafraid at what comes next.... leaning on God to show them the way and the Holy Spirit to give the drive. This got me thinking....

My entire life all I have wanted to do was some kind of ministry work. All I wanted was to serve and love others... I had a true passion for it and I even at certain points thought I might be called to be a missionary overseas.

That passion I had that was constantly driving me, seems to be gone now. I am no longer that passionate pioneer wanting to go ahead and blaze new trails. Where did it go? I was so passionate when I started working at the Mission and truly viewed it as a ministry; now it has become just a normal job for me and that makes me sad. What can I do to change this and put myself back into ministry mode? How can I stop being a settler?

I know that I have entered into a new phase in my life. A phase that has changed my direction. I now know that I won't be a missionary overseas and my passion has shifted to my husband and to having a family and being a mother. Still though I want that passion and drive to serve and love others back. I need it back. I don't want to be a settler.